Someone shit on the floor
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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