my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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