i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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