you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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