Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
