Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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