I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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