We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
