fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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