Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
