I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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