i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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