is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
