thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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