the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
