Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
