I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
