a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
