So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
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If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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