Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
