I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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