i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
