My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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