I'm going to jail i love you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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