If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
