because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
