To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
