Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
