Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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