drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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