I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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