she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.