My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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