Say something about gay babies.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
