She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
