my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
