Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
