i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
