Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
