totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm having to shit out rocks
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