my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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