everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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