I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
