Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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