I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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