i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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