Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
