I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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