Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
