she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
