I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
