yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
