it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
