why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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