Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
