Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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